“Methinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow….” Henry David Thoreau

Last week, just one hour before the deadline for the Chicago Marathon lottery, I applied.  It was not a well thought-out decision.  It was done on a whim when a friend Teresa told me she had just entered.  I had considered entering the lottery before and decided not to.  For one thing, I wanted to run LA again next year, and I don’t think I could do Chicago and then 5 months later LA.  Also, after New York, I feel like maybe traveling to a marathon and having jet lag and not sleeping at home aren’t best for running marathons.  But mostly, an early October marathon means long-run training in the summer, and I really don’t want to do 20-milers in August.

So over the last week, since hitting the enter button on my laptop and submitting my application, I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly I did it.  And I’ve still been questioning do I actually want to get in?  When I get a notification email next week on December 13th, if I don’t make it, will I breathe a sigh of relief or disappointment?  If I do get in, will I be excited or say, “Oh…Shit!!”

Don’t get me wrong… I am a runner… I love to run.  Since the NYC marathon last month, I’ve been running about four times a week on average, mostly 5 – 6 mile runs and a couple of 8 and 9 mile ones.  I go to bed excited to wake up and run.  Running is my number one coping skill for life.  It is my number one drug.  I need it like I need air.  It is the single thing that has had the greatest impact on my life since becoming a mother.

While I love running, I have a love/hate relationship with marathon training.  There is no greater sense of accomplishment and satisfaction than completing a hard-ass long run.  And the training schedule gives your life a certain structure that at times I crave and need.  I think one of the reasons I entered the lottery is that although I am not currently in the mood to marathon train and am definitely not running LA this year, I’m fairly certain that in a few months I will crave that structure and intensity again.

But here is what I really miss….

I miss writing.  I miss sitting behind my laptop either early in the morning or late at night when the house is quiet, and putting my heart on this page.  Before I started the blog, I had started writing some non-running essays about my experiences at the urging of a couple of friends…essays that only got shared with them.  And then starting to write about running and chronicling my journey to marathon gave me a context within which to show you what’s actually inside me.  While my good friends all knew what was inside my bubbly happy-hour-going and stiletto-wearing self, my acquaintances were surprised at what was beneath the surface.  And I feel like I need the safety net of writing within the context of running to put my thoughts and really myself out there….

I talked to my husband about this dilemma this weekend…. about missing writing….about missing the connection the writing brings and feeling like I have more I want to say.  “Why don’t you just write about other topics and put it out there… just write what you want.”  Hmm…. I don’t know why that’s so hard to do, but it is.  I know there is something inside me that wants to be written and shared, but I still don’t know what it actually is….

Maybe signing up for another marathon in the future is my way of ensuring that until I know, I’ll just keep running with it until it reveals itself…..



About Paria

Runner, mother, pediatrician, blogger

14 comments on “Lottery

  1. I hear you on not wanting to train through the summer. Every year I say I will not do it … and then here I am. I don’t know if getting in will be good news or bad news for you – but it will certainly be GREAT news for ME because I am running it. That means we could have pizza together the night before or wine the night after. 🙂 So selfishly, I am crossing my fingers and toes for you. I will even come to LA and run a long run with you if you get in. I MEAN IT!

    Running definitely helps to et those words flowing. I’m not quite sure why but I know it to be true. Write about anything and I promise you we will read it.

    • If I do get in, I will be super-excited that we will be running the same marathon…. thank you for saying that you will read anything I write… that means a lot…xo

    • Would be fun to see you…. I know that if I do get in, I will probably turn into excited mode pretty soon given so many people I “know” are running it!

  2. I entered the MCM lottery last year for no good reason. Thank God I didn’t get in but, I totally get where you are coming from. I also think your husband is 100% correct – just write. This is your space and you know we love the whole you and will happily read whatever is it you put out here. You never know where it may lead…

    • Thank you… I will start just writing for myself… I’ll just start with a few minutes a day of whatever randomness I want to write, and then I’ll see if I ever put it together into posts or not… we’ll see…xo

  3. Yes… Just write what is on your heart! I love reading your posts and it’s not the running that I enjoy reading about the most, it’s the life connections you make. You inspire on many levels and I look forward to reading whatever it is that you have to share!

    • Thank you Pam, that means a lot. I think I’m going to start by just practicing writing what I want for a few minutes even a few times a week, and then see if any of it does turn into posts or not… but I’ll start treating my writing like my running… a journey and a process that is really all about my own personal growth.

  4. Write, write, write! I want to read what you have to say. I don’t care what the topic is.

    I’m sure you know that there was something that spoke to me in every post, and I’m not a runner. That says something about your writing. Yes, it was posted in the context of running, that the genesis came while you were running, but what I get out of it is that it’s mostly about what you’ve learned, maybe even reminders of what you learned/know. That’s the appeal. It’s what keeps me engaged every time.

    If it feels strange to post it here when it has no ties to running, then start a new blog. A friend of mine did that a couple of years ago.

    Just imagine, you could have a Carrie Bradshaw moment of publishing all your posts in a book someday!

    • I promise that I’ll start writing a little at least for myself, and then see where it takes me…. You not being a runner and liking all the posts is because you are my friend…If I do post other things, it will be still on this blog… I’m always going to remain a mom on the runsanity:) xoxo

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